[Earl Narrating] Me and Randy love watchin' old war movies...
but sometimes they'll trick you.
You think it'll be cool, with gunfights and explosions...
but then you end up just gettin' uncomfortable.
Oh, my God, Johnny. They shot ya.
Ricky, tell Mom I said good-bye.
You can't die, Johnny. You're my only brother.
[Johnny] I'm sorry.
I just wanna tell you one thing before I go, Ricky.
I love you.
[Earl Narrating] See, Randy and I are as close as two brothers can be.
We've just never actually said "I love you."
I know it's hard to hear, and Lord knows it's hard to say...
but sometimes brothers need to tell each other those simple words.
I love you.
[Ricky] God, Johnny. Why do brothers wait till the end of their lives to say these things?
I love ya too, Johnny.
- I'm gonna go drop a deuce. - I'm gonna go squish bugs.
My name is Earl.
[Both Laughing]
Do you ever tell your brothers or sisters that you love 'em?
There's one I would say it to, two who would say it to me, but I would not say it back...
one who would interpret it sexually...
and three I cannot locate since the flood.
Hey, mo. I need to use your car to go to Henderson. Subaru's got ants in it again.
You just need to find where the queen lives.
Queen lives on a Blow Pop under the driver's seat.
Every time I reach for it, her soldiers attack me.
It's just a Blow Pop. They'll be done in a few days.
- They got, like, a million tongues. - Can't wait.
Stupid deaf lawyer's got me drivin' all over state...
gettin' people to drop the various restrainin' orders they got against me.
- Says it'll help me in court. - Who's in Henderson?
The girl in the wheelchair that you pushed down the hill?
No, that little line-cutter lives in Nathanville.
Remember that cranky bat with the hearin' aid that used to manage the trailer park?
[Earl Narrating] Joy was speakin' of Millie Banks.
Citation.
No La-Z-Boys on the lawn unless they match the color of the mobile home.
- Twenty dollars? - Yep. There goes your book money for the decade.
Citation.
Christmas-light reindeer still on the lawn.
It's April.
What are you talkin' about? That―That's an Easter pig.
Don't blaspheme the resurrection, jerk.
You got a citation for that too?
Oh, you'll get your citation... in hell.
- ♪♪ [Heavy Metal On Stereo] - Citation. No speakers in your window on weekdays.
You can't even half-hear outta that stupid hearin' aid in your ear anyway.
- I can feel the bass notes. - You can feel the bass notes.
- I got a bass note for ya. - You know what? This is America.
- I think you like the bass notes. - [Voices Become Muffled]
[Both Muffled, Indistinct]
[Both Continue, Muffled]
- I hate her! I hate her like the Taliban hate freedom! - ♪♪ [Heavy Metal On Radio]
And how are we supposed to listen to heavy metal on a wimpy little tape player?
- [Randy] It's craziness. - Today we can't have bass.
Tomorrow my illegal fireworks won't even be legal.
- ♪♪ [Switches Off] - We gotta fight back.
[Earl Narrating] The plan was to lure Millie...
away from her preacher shows long enough to go steal stuff.
But you had to be extra sneaky about stealin'from Millie.
Back off my birdseed, you tree rat!
[Earl Narrating] Millie was packin' heat.
- [Squirrel Chittering] - [Laughing]
You guys ready to do this?
[Quoting Lyrics]
Nice. "Convoy." They should make more movies out of country songs.
♪♪ [Singing]
♪♪ [All Singing]
♪♪ [Continues]
♪♪ [Ends]
10-4, Rubber Duck. Pigpen's got his ears on.
- You have to push the button down. - Can you hear me?
- Hello? - Yes, I can hear you.
Who is that?
Is her hearin' aid pickin' up my walkie-talkie?
[Earl] Hello?
Is that you, Lord?
Oh, snap. Go on. Talk to her. Be God.
[Clears Throat]
- Yes, it is I, God. - [Chuckles]
I was in the "neighborhoodeth"...
and I wanted to test thou's faith.
I am yours. Test me as you will.
- [Quotes Lyric] - [Chuckling]
[Quotes Lyric]
[All Chuckling]
[Earl Narrating] After the Hokey Pokey, some toe-touches...
and a badly failed cartwheel...
we put our powers to more practical use.
Now "rippeth" up all thy Mobile Home Owners Association citations...
and "baketh" yummy dessert items for thy neighbors.
[Earl Narrating] It was fun bein' God...
but we found that great power came with great responsibility...
includin' making sure the yummy desserts were yummy.
Do not "maketh" carrot cake.
The Lord hates carrot cake. It is the devil's food.
But that doesn't mean don't make devil's food cake.
I love that stuff.
[Earl Narrating] On the sixth day, we went for the gold.
[Earl On Walkie-talkie] That's right, your gold.
And your silver. Anything pawnable.
Give it to the pawn lady across the way with the nice rear end.
I'm a man. I notice things.
[Earl Narrating] That was our last commandment. We had bled Millie dry.
I don't know why he asked me to give you this stuff.
He's mysterious. He also makes hurricanes and gave nipples to men.
The important thing is, you do what he tells you to.
Are you wearin' earrings?
[Earl Narrating] And from the seventh day on, we rested.
I'll get that signed for you. I should probably go see Millie anyway.
She's on my list― made a lady think I was God.
Thanks, Earl.
When I was a child, there was a man who lived in a box by the dump who told me he was God.
How old were you when you realized he was just a crazy old homeless guy?
Please don't talk about God that way.
Hey, Darnell, you ever tell your sister you love her?
Once when I thought she was dead, but she was just passed out from low blood sugar.
I'm still glad I said it. Now they have her on insulin.
Who knows when I'll get another chance?
[Earl Narrating] We got to Henderson late...
'cause Randy turned the directions into a paper airplane...
to see if it would lift the car off the ground.
It didn't, and we lost the directions.
I brought Millie replacements for the things we stole.
I was hopin' she'd see all that "voice of God"stuff...
as, well, a harmless prank.
What is this place? A convent?
♪♪ [Singing]
Nuns. Nuns. Nuns.
Excuse me. Uh, do you know a Millie Banks?
Sister Millie? Yes, she's inside.
Sister Millie?
I bet nuns are awesome basketball players...
especially the ones who can fly.
[Earl Narrating] In addition to thinkin' nuns could fly...
Randy also thought they were pretty, but knew that that was wrong...
and tried hard not to focus on it.
Peace be with you.
Uh, we were told, uh, Millie Banks was here. L― I guess she's a nun.
Millie's not just a nun. No, no. She's special.
She's his favorite.
We're all brides of God, Sister Kate. He loves all of us.
But he only speaks to some of us.
Sister Millie heard the direct voice of God... 12 times.
Three decades I've been here.
All I ever got was a heat rash shaped like Palestine.
[Earl Narrating] It was a reflective area, and we weren't allowed to talk to each other.
So Randy couldn't tell me when he got distracted...
by the most beautiful room he'd ever seen.
We later learned those were prayer candles and not birthday-wish candles.
Luckily, before blowin' 'em out, he wished for everyone's prayers to come true.
There she is― the Lord whisperer.
♪♪ [Singing]
- [Bell Tolling] - ♪♪ [Continues]
♪♪ [Ends]
- N-Nun Millie? - [Bell Tolling Ends]
Oh, my goodness. I remember you.
What a neat surprise! How is that cuddly brother of yours?
And that adorable bride?
I know. I'm nice now.
- Weird, huh? - [Chuckles]
[Earl Narrating] I explained to Millie about Joy's restrainin' order...
and she was happy to help out.
There you go.
I was a real turd in the hot tub back then...
but now I throw birthday parties for orphans.
It's great, 'cause their parents really haven't spoiled 'em.
- 'Cause they don't have any. - That's touching.
I make all the cakes myself.
That's how I met little Celeste here.
I used to live in a storm drain.
Rain washed my doll heads away.
That sounds horrible. I once lived in my car for two months.
Did you ever have to move 'cause a pack of stray dogs kicked you out of your house?
Let's not make this a contest.
Well, I'm glad I could help Joy.
You could bring her some cake if you want to.
Well, actually, uh, I'm not here just for Joy.
I-I'm here because...
see, I got this list of all the bad things I've done to people...
and, you see, that voice of God you were hearin'―
that was―
well, that was me.
Yeah, right.
Did Sister Kate put you up to this?
I mean, the fact that the Lord talked to me really gets her habit in a wad.
[Sighs]
"Waxeth" thy neighbor's El Camino.
Oh, my goodness.
"Showeth" thy hindquarters to the mailman.
Yeah, I get it. I get it. It was you.
Okay. That's good to know.
It was a nice trick.
I suppose I had it comin'.
Man, you really got me.
You made me start a whole new life based on lies.
Filthy, stinking, rotten lies!
You threw out my birthday cake!
Oh, like you've never eaten out of a trash can before!
- [Paper Tearing] - Is there anyone on your list who wants a daughter?
I don't know. Hold on.
Yeah, right here.
Oh, wait. Uh, he wants a son.
Yeah.
[Earl Narrating] I thought tellin' Millie the truth...
about pretendin' to be the voice of God would be a good thing.
But instead of makin' things better...
well, it made things a lot worse.
She left the convent and moved back to the trailer park.
And she was angrier than ever.
She kicked up more trouble than that tornado that took everyone's pets.
She stopped watchin' her preacher shows...
washin' her hair and waterin' her plants.
She didn't even enjoy her daily grilled cheese anymore.
And she seemed even angrier at squirrels.
Die!
- [Slingshot Fires] - [Squirrel Chitters]
It's wild. You doing right actually did this lady wrong.
That's what I was thinkin'.
- Only not worded clever like that. - Way to go, dummy.
Not only is Millie not cancelin' my restrainin' order, but now she broke Darnell's heart.
- Tell him, Darnell. - Yeah, she―
She, um― She― She―
- She evicted Mr. Turtle. - [Gasps] From his shell?
Well, that's where he lives.
[Earl Narrating] Millie was an equal opportunity harasser.
She picked on all races, creeds and species.
Hey, shrub head.
That your turtle?
No one owns Mr. Turtle, but he is my friend.
Well, your friend's gonna have to be gone by tomorrow.
There's no reptiles allowed in the trailer park.
Unless you wanna make soup.
Joy!
Yeah, now I gotta find the little guy a foster home.
Earl. Earl. Earl. Earl.
- Earl. Earl. - Yeah, we can be foster parents.
Yes! I love turtles.
I love turtles too. Especially you.
God, why do men wait so long to tell their turtles how they feel?
They need to say those simple words― "I love you."
This sucks the big one, Earl.
I know. I'm sorry, guys. I feel awful about this.
The list is supposed to help people...
not screw everything up and kick turtles out of their home.
Don't worry, Darnell. You can come over whenever you want.
But give it a couple weeks.
We don't wanna make this more confusing for him than it already is.
You should make her go back.
If everyone was happy when that lady was a nun...
you have to make her go back.
Give her a sign or something, like a burning sheep walking through the middle of town.
That's what made my brother be a priest.
At the risk of agreeing with the maid, she's got a point.
- I say we torch a sheep. - We're not torchin' a sheep.
But the whole sign thing isn't a bad idea.
We made her a nun the first time. Maybe we can do it again.
We're gonna have so much fun together, Mr. Turtle.
- Can I call you by your first name? - He doesn't have one.
Then I'll give you one. Randy.
[Earl Narrating] We needed to find a sign to put Millie back on the righteous path...
so we stole Bibles from the motel.
I'm tellin' you, we drive her down to SeaWorld and get a whale to swallow her.
- That'd be a sign. - Those are Shamu whales. They'd chew her up first.
Fine. What if we went down to SeaWorld and got the penguins to do a nativity scene?
Randy, we're not goin' to SeaWorld.
I think we should go back to my locust idea.
I don't know. Locusts are tricky. You can't reason with 'em.
Got it! Right here.
[Earl Narrating] We thought turnin' water into wine might be cool.
We hoped Millie would be as impressed as the people in ancient Jesus time.
Unfortunately, a birdbath full of wine in a trailer park...
will last about as long as...
- well, a birdbath full of wine in a trailer park. - [Snoring]
We found this incredible miracle in the Bible that Randy was really excited about tryin'.
Apparently, some guy named Balaam had a talkin' ass.
Randy couldn't wait to show Millie his.
Earl, wait! Wait!
I just read the whole thing.
The ass was Balaam's donkey. It was a talkin' donkey.
Randy, plan's off! Abort!
[Earl Narrating] I started to realize miracles are really hard.
I guess that's why they're usually just done by God and TV magicians.
Then I had the answer.
Don't make the beard too long.
I know how to burn a Jesus face in a grilled cheese, Earl.
Suit yourself. He's just lookin' a little ZZ Top is all.
Fine.
I think it looks like Abe Lincoln.
If only we had a Stephen Douglas grilled cheese, we could make them debate.
Yeah. I don't know who that is...
but I love the idea of grilled cheese arguin'.
[Earl Narrating] After three hours of fryin' cheese...
we finally got our magic sandwich.
Then we had to lure Millie away from hers.
♪♪ [Heavy Metal On Stereo]
Bass notes.
♪♪ [Continues]
[Earl Narrating] I never saw a real miracle...
but I did see those movies where George Burns was God.
I knew that our sandwich needed a little extra something.
- Whoa! What the― - What are you doin' in my house messin' with my stuff?
No, no. Look― Look― Look, Millie. L― I was outside, and I heard this angel sound.
You know. ♪♪ [High Note]
And I was drawn to it, and behold―
Holy! No, Millie, look, hold on!
It's a miracle Lord sandwich!
Ow! Man, that is not necessary!
Hey, Earl, I think Millie's comin' back.
I'm too young! [Grunts]
You saved me, Mr. Turtle.
If it wasn't for you, I'd have been shot.
[Grunts]
Would you just stop it! Stop bein' such a miserable, crazy bitch!
I'm sorry for usin' the "B" word, ma'am...
but that's what you are, except at the convent.
There, you were sweet and made cakes for mopey kids.
- Because of a lie. - So, who cares how you got there?
You were nice. You weren't shootin' people in the earlobe and the forehead.
[Randy Groaning]
Run and get help, Mr. Turtle.
Faster.
Look, all we were doin' was tryin' to make you a happy nun again...
by sneakin' you a sandwich with Jesus on it.
- That's crazy. - You wanna know what's crazy?
People waitin' for some big sign to push them...
into doin' somethin' they oughta be doin' in the first place.
It's like me. I'd still be a low-life dirtbag if I wasn't hit by a car.
And you were a miserable "B" word until you heard the voice of God.
What were we waitin' for? We could've been better people all on our own.
But whatever.
If you wanna wait for a magic sign to go be happy, then good luck to you, lady.
I'm walkin' out now to go help my possibly dyin' brother.
You can shoot me in the back of the head if you want to.
You're my sign.
- What? - You're my sign from above.
I was a lot happier at that convent, bakin' and stuff.
You were sent to put me back on my path.
Wow. Weird.
I guess angels don't have to be beautiful.
Well, my whole point was that you shouldn't really need a sign...
but if me bein' a messenger from God works for you, I'm cool with it.
[Randy Groans]
When you go to nun school, do they give you any first aid training?
Like how to treat a head wound?
[Earl Narrating] Apparently, they do.
- ♪♪ [Women Vocalizing] - [Both Laugh]
♪♪ [Group Singing Rock]
[Earl Narrating] And like I always say...
when you do good things, good things happen―
like restraining orders bein' lifted.
♪♪ [Continues]
[Earl Narrating] And turtles comin' home.
- ♪♪ [Continues] - I love you, Mr. Turtle.
- ♪♪ [Continues] - [Clears Throat]
♪♪ [Continues]
[Earl Narrating] And orphan girls reunitin' with their cake-bakin' friends.
And scary-lookin' dolls gettin' back their little heads.
♪♪ [Continues]
[Earl Narrating] And even though Millie needed a sign...
to do what she knew in her heart was right...
I wasn't gonna wait any longer to do somethin' I should've done a long time ago.
I love you, Randy.
I love you too, Earl.
- I gotta go take a leak. - I'm gonna go play with the radio.